Unexpected Things That Bring Shitty Feelings During/After a Divorce.

When I started my divorce, I read almost every article I could get ahold of because I wanted to know that the feelings and situations I was going through were normal.  No matter how long I scoured the internet, I realized that there were some things that weren’t talked about or maybe they were just unique to me. 

 

1. Trick or Treating-  This one goes under the category of holidays in general, but this was a sore point because it is very difficult to split time trick or treating.  It isn’t like other holidays when the family can work around it or have Christmas on a different day.  For this particular event, the time is set for you and you must work around it, together.  Not the most joyful moment for the parents, but yet important to the kids.

 

2. He remodeled and fixed things- As someone who couldn’t get my ex to change a light bulb, this one really put fire under me and also made me sad at the same time.  It was and still is so frustrating to see him take time to do these things when I could ask for weeks or months and got nothing.  What was so bad about me that made him not want to help?

 

3. The first time something breaks- whether this be a plumbing issue or a car issue, the first time something happens it is one of those moments when you realize you are in fact alone.  It wasn’t so much that I needed a man to help me do these things, because I don’t, it is more that there was just not someone there for me to call and vent to and to call and ask for help.   I had to go the traditional way and actually call the dealership myself to fix the car or call the plumbing company myself to fix the leak.  I couldn’t rely on him to give it a look and fix it or have a friend of his help fix it.  It was all me.  Let’s not even get started on the stress of how to pay for these fixes, because, once again, I am starting over.

 

4. New household items- yes, because I took some stuff out of the house, it is natural that it needed to be replaced, but when that actually happened it made me sad and furious and yes, a little jealous.   I felt like a TV was replacing me, and where does he get the money to do that when he won’t settle on the divorce with me and it isn’t fair because I can no longer afford nice things because I am the one that left and has to pay rent and start over with a new residence.

 

5. Let’s talk about the dog- This one is very painful.  I basically had to shut down all of my emotions to this because it is overwhelming.  The dog.  The dog I wanted, picked out and spent a majority of my time with because, well,  my husband never came home.  But he gets to keep the dog, because I can’t have pets in apartments.  The feeling of guilt that I abandoned man’s best friend is very sad.  I just have to hope he takes care of the dog and that it is better this way because my daughter still has her pet.

 

6. Fighting over pictures and other simplicities- Oh yes, this happens.  It is baffling that a man that hardly step foot in the kitchen, hated pictures, and didn’t purchase any of these things personally in the store would argue over them.  I have an attachment to my dishes because I spent hours picking them out so they would match my kitchen and I washed them…but because he was mad and hated me for calling the marriage quits, I wasn’t able to take these types of things.  Nevermind having to stand in a house a fight back and forth over how many spoons we each should own.  Exhausting!

 

7. He made an effort in appearance-  Everybody is lying if they say they don’t care if their spouse or partner stops making an effort in their appearance because they love them anyway.  Though, yes, you do love them no matter what, you still want to know that you are worth the effort of them looking good for you.  Well, my ex stopped doing this shortly after we met and I had to buy his clothes and make him change out of work attire.  That all changed as soon as I left.  He bought new clothes and made sure he always looked nice.  Whether it was dress to impress other woman or to make me jealous, it works.  Simply because again, why couldn’t he do these things when I was around?

 

8.  Why are you paying attention to me now?-  The most confusing, emotional aspect is why are you paying attention to me and the problems in the relationship now?  Why acknowledge what went wrong and how to fix it after I have left.  It’s too late, please stop.  If you aren’t sure how this feels, run circles around your couch in the living room for 20 minutes.  Not only will you get sick from the circle motion, you will break a sweat and get nowhere. 

 

9.  You can’t be friends-  at least not right away.  After I moved out and came to terms with the way life was, then I did miss my ex.  Not as a husband or lover, but just as a person that was in my day to day life.  It is hard to accept that the person you saw every single day just all of sudden is not there and basically can’t be.  This is even more difficult as a person that hates to be hated.  Face it, if you want them around, you wouldn’t of wanted out.  The mind is tricky and humans are creatures of habit. 

 

10. Speaking of friends……- Oh the friends of the married couple.  I use “friends” as a loose term, what I really mean is acquaintances, because really, you don’t know who your friends are.  It is pretty much a given that whoever had the friends first is the person that is going to end up with them in the end.  I know everyone tries very hard not to take sides, but really it is exactly what happens.  The shitty part is that you don’t realize these people have taken sides until one day you look around and realize how long it has been since you have done something with them and then you figure out, because they are busy doing things with your ex.  Personally, I am good with having a few great friends instead of a whole loot, but my downfall is that I like to socialize and that doesn’t happen anymore.  I am also forced to be in the same town or close to my ex because of the divorce decree.  It is lonely and sad.

 

11.  When you try to move on-  So, you finally deal with it and think, “It is just time to move on” because who really wants to set around in an apartment every time your child is gone and be alone…all of the time!  There is a life out there, one that you want to find and live and there is no time like the present, so you go, you make new friends, you go out and do new things, and you find that men (good men) find you attractive and want to get to know you better so you go on a date and it is awesome, but wait!  All of those people from your old life, including family, aren’t ready for that.  No matter how much you are, they aren’t and it takes a bit to get there so then you feel like you are defending yourself…..defending yourself for living your own life!  Awkward?  Angry?  Sad?  All of those emotions come in.  The same people that tell you, “good for you!  You deserve better!”  are the same people that are going, “oh wait, what? You are dating someone? You are moving on?  Whoa!”  So then you are in this limbo area of life between the old you, the old life and the new you with a new life.  Good luck navigating the waters because there are tons of sharks.  I would offer advice, but I’m still looking for the Coast Guard to help with this rescue!

 

12.  How come I can’t tell my daughter what kind of man her father really is?---- the short and only answer, because you can’t.  The man that is her father is not the same man that is your ex-husband.  Because you are an adult you think this, but in an innocent child’s mind, they are separate people.  Children haven’t really seen the evil in the world nor can they predict the future behavior based on what they know now..they simply don’t think that far ahead.  So you have to smile and say nice things about Daddy because that’s the kind of Mom they need.  I recommend kickboxing for these types of days. 

 

13.  The Single Parent Status- Yep.  You are one.  It’s quite a change, but the moment I realized it was the moment my daughter was having a screaming fit because she didn’t want to do what I told her.  Normally this is the time when I call for back-up so I can step away from the situation and see if maybe she will listen to her dad.  But I can’t.  I admit, I called him once at first which was a big mistake because it just turned into a “oh you can’t handle the kid by yourself” deal….so I don’t recommend that.  The confusing part was that I didn’t rely on my ex much anyways because he was hardly home.  It turns out I did rely on him more than I thought.  That was a heartbreaking realization.

 

14. That Damn Ring-  Because my divorce was ugly, when I moved out I thought my ex had possession of both of our wedding rings.  Turns out I was wrong.  I remember very clearly the day I was looking through my jewelry to find a specific necklace.  I came across his wedding ring.  A ring he never wore, which was a fight among us.  If the bathroom walls could talk, they would describe in detail how I wailed and ugly cried for a good 20 minutes on the floor.  That ring is now in a safe deposit box at the bank.  It is not mine or his, it is our daughters.

 

15.  TV Shows-  We rarely spent time together, but when we did it was usually to watch certain TV shows.  Thank god the one we watched was cancelled shortly after our divorce.  Thank you NBC!  But as I flipped through channels one evening I came across one of the reality shows he watched religiously.  I paused for a minute because I actually didn’t mind the show.  When I realized that he often paid more attention to this show than to what I was talking about or the work around the house that needed to be done, I turned the channel.  I will never watch that show again.   Too bad the rest of my emotional triggers couldn’t be flipped off so easily.

I could go on with a few others that I have come across, but to sum it up, there will always small triggers and crazy feelings.  I am sure with time they will go away.  The one thing I have kept in mind, no matter how difficult, is that I have made the decision to get divorced with the most confidence that I have ever made in any decision in my life.  These feelings are just feelings, they don't define me.